On Thinking Outside of Yourself

“I was heartbroken. But I didn’t want to tell mom that.”

This month our world has laughed in the face of projected timelines. Calendar dots continue to be re-arranged, re-scheduled, and the toughest of all, cancelled.

Mark and Leah manage a long-distance relationship. Mark lives in Texas and Leah in Nebraska. Their eyes are always set on the upcoming date they will be able to re-unite. After months apart, this date was set for Wednesday, March 11.

Cancelled.

We launched our Forever Love series on Tuesday, March 10. Leah received the news on Monday, March 9 that she would not be reuniting with Mark that week as scheduled. Timing couldn’t have been worse.

Leah is strong and she wanted their love story to be a light for others right now. The show must go on, it just wouldn’t be fueled by the sparks that fly when they get to hug, to dance, to be a couple together. The writing would, in fact, be a painful reminder that they weren’t going to see each other in person for a while.

She wanted to write anyway. Leah found a way to turn the pain upside down by writing, reflecting, and re-living the moments of her favorite love story through pictures, videos, and FaceTime chats.  

The result is a series on love that exceeds social expectations and thrives in its simple, genuine purity. Writing the Forever Love series at this time was not easy for Leah, but it was worth it. Most things in life seem to go that way.

A few weeks ago, I asked Leah to talk about when she found out that Mark had to cancel his trip to Nebraska. I wanted her to provide something for us to put on the blog to explain what she was going through. I told her it didn’t have to be a lot, but I wanted something for the post that day.

I waited a few moments and she didn’t say any words. I asked again, letting her know that it didn’t have to be much. I just was looking for a few sentences on how it made her feel. I sat, waiting for her to say something…anything.

She got up from the table, remaining in silence. She began walking away, making her way to the bathroom, where she stayed for several minutes. My heart sank. I realized what I had done. It was too soon.

Through the door, I told her she didn’t need to talk about it now. I felt horrible. “No, I doing okay. I’m fine.” She didn’t want me to worry about her.

When she came out, her bottom lip was quivering. “I was just really happy to see him,” she said, holding back tears.

I let her know that we didn’t need to include anything about this on the post that day and wiped her tears.

She went downstairs to her bedroom. I gave her some time and went down to check on her. Below is what she said,

“I was a little surprise when you ask me about it today and I needed for a while to think of the things I want to say to you. And I go in the bathroom upstairs because I needed a little while and some time before I say a couple things.

And I want to say a couple things now.

When they had tell me about it on Monday night and when I had heard about it mom gave me a hug out in the kitchen area during that night. She say you are really strong and brave to me. And she say you are doing really good in how you handle everything and that is also when I have give her a big hug.

And I was starting to crying a little but I was saving my tears and I have a lump in my throat and I was starting to cry but mom was wipe my tears from me.

I want to save my tears so I can hear what they have to say. And I want to be strong for them.

I was heartbroken. But I didn’t want to tell mom that.

And that is all I want to say for right now.”

My heart exploded. I was angry at myself for selfishly asking her to talk about such a fresh, painful experience. I was speechless by her strength and ability to communicate her feelings.  

But mostly I was blown away that her instant response to finding out heartbreaking news was to protect our mom’s feelings. She didn’t want her to know that she was heartbroken. She didn’t want her to feel responsible for bringing Leah sadness, because she knew that would make her sad too. That is one complex response. And for Leah, it was immediate and authentic.

She was thinking of the situation outside of herself — something we should all aim to do more.

It doesn’t stop there. I apologized to my sister for asking her to talk about her experience before she was ready. I felt awful. Her response?

“Oh, no. You not have to apologize, Lindsay. I want to say that you not have to apologize. But if you needed to, that’s okay.”

But if YOU needed to, that’s okay. She had already forgiven me without me even asking. Even further, she recognized that although she didn’t need an apology, maybe I did. Once again, she thought outside of herself. “If you needed to [apologize], that’s okay.”

In one sentence, she forgave me, acknowledged my apology, and validated it. It was the sincerest way that I’ve been forgiven in a long time.

This month has been an interesting one for all of us. New struggles have surfaced and none of our situations are the same right now. Let’s dig into Leah’s playbook. Take a few moments to think outside of yourself. Forgive someone. Reach out to someone and ask how you can support them. Maybe someone needs the opportunity to forgive you.

And how fitting for the time we’re in? It’s kind of what this whole social distancing thing is all about.

Embrace the space and think outside of yourself.

Here’s to turning our minds Upside Down.